by Dan Kelly (Special to Ecology of Absence)
(Chicago) Early Monday morning, as firefighters played canasta nearby, the tomb of Carrie Eliza Getty burned to the ground in Chicago’s Graceland Cemetery. Investigators are perplexed as to how the solid limestone and bronze-gated mausoleum caught fire, but chose not to pursue an inquiry, suggesting that, perhaps, the corpse of Ms. Getty was operating a blowtorch. The fire also defied the laws of physics by leaping into the night sky and descending upon and consuming the Sullivan-designed Ryerson tomb several hundred yards away. Traces of fire damage and spots of urine were likewise found covering Sullivan’s tomb nearby.
“It’s a shame, really. I guess. I mean, I don’t especially care.” said local developer Vic Sharkbastard as he and a surveying crew measured the 20 foot area formerly occupied by the Getty Tomb for a future, 500-unit condo. “But, hey, these things happen.” Sharkbastard then cleaned the mud off his boots by scraping them against the gravestone of photographer Richard Nickel.
“Chicago has to go forward, it can’t go backward,” said Mayor Richard Daley. “If you’re going backward, you’re not going forward. People like the fires. They’re pretty. It’s nice to pack a lunch and watch the fire. It’s a tragic loss of some of the city’s history, but not really tragic, because, you know, you’re going forward with the fire and the lunch and not backward.” Mayor Daley then unwittingly on accident and without malice sat down on a dynamite plunger, the force of his ass starting a chain reaction of blasts, causing Carson Pirie Scott, the Auditorium, the Gage group, and the Krause Music Store facade to implode. “Oopsy. Heh heh heh,” said Daley.